To be a poet one needs the six P’s – the pencil, the paper, the perception, the passion, the persistence and the unshakable persuasion that the poem is in fact possible and attainable. - Grace Perry

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Now is the Winter of our Discontent

Seeing as I haven't posted any of my poetry in a while, I thought I should share something I've been working on. I think the last two stanzas still need a bit of work. I received some great feedback from a friend at the South Coast Writers Centre, Adam Carr, about perhaps dropping the 'is' in both the last stanzas. As Adam said, with so little syllables it seems a waste to have 'is' in there. Fellow Fellowship of Australian Writers', Southern Highlands chapter, Greg Tome, also gave me some wonderful feedback. Greg liked the suprise of 'squeezing size 8 legs' and found 'the can of bull' a cold contrast to 'dark, warm and melty'. Thank you to both Adam and Greg for their encouragement and advise on this poem. I wonder what others think? I am stuck on 'voluptuous bosoms', I think that sounds a bit cliche, but it is the kind of image that I want to finish with, a woman who is older, more confident, and comfortable in her body, to the point that she can again enjoy the foods that she did as a younger child without the guilt that society places on women to look a certain way.

Dessert First

"now 'really' is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by cheesecake and fork" @PresumptuousBug.

Finger sucking cream,
saliva giggles over
mother’s hand.

Freckles stain your lips,
rainbow on your tongue, in your
hands dark, melty, warm.

Squeezing size 8 legs
chocolate cake is turned away,
for a can of bull.

Now cake is ordered
first, for glorious laughter
and voluptuous


  1. HI Rhiannon

    I love it, I agree with Adam that perhaps the 'is' could be dropped.

    I love the imagery, I wonder if woolies is open because I feel like soem cheese cake now :)

    I'm posting chapter 2 of Kemla: Life on monday... I am so nervious that it wont be upto scratch!

  2. Thanks, and I am sure your second chapter will be great. :-)

  3. Hello Rhiannon, Lorne Johnson in Bundanoon. I'm a high school teacher and poet. My verse has appeared in Meanjin, Island, Islet, Wet Ink, Eclogues the NPP anthology for 2007 etc. Good on you for doing what you're doing in Mitta. The last poem's great, but I reckon it needs more of a bang at the end. A gentle bang mind you. I hope you don't mind the feedback. If you're interested in SH poetry, you should check out the work of Peter Lach-Newinsky, a fellow Bundanoon resident, as well as mine. Best, LJ.

    1. Hi Lorne, Thank you for the advice on my poem, I always appreciate feedback! I have received so much feedback now, lots to think about and slowly put to practice! Congratulations on all your publications. I'll have to track down some of your work. I am doing my honours this year on the place poetry of the Southern Highlands and the Shoalhaven. Next year I'll be doing a dip. ed. and then also teaching high school, English and History.

  4. Hey, Rhiannon. Good on you for being so open to feedback. The poem is yours, do what you will. Remember that, no matter what everyone says (and all poets have an opinion and love being asked for it!), only you own the poem, only you know how it must end. You will have a lot of knock backs on the pot-holed road to publishing your verse. Be as solid as Uluru. Never give up. Write and write and tear through the fog. Well done re the teaching vision. I did a B.Ed. back in '94. I've been teaching English in high schools for 18 yrs. Do check out Peter LN's work - his is an original, varied and necessary Highlands voice. His latest book, 'Requiem' is a gem. Mark Tredinnick and I know each other - his poem 'Eclogues' is a sublime work. Read it and reread it, if you haven't done so. Peace 'n light, LJ

    1. Thanks for the kind words Lorne! I did have a look on Peter's blog and I'll keep an eye on what is happening there. I have read Tredinnick's 'Eclogues'. He is one of the poets whose work I am examining for my honours thesis this year. A very generous and talented individual.